Went to the cemetry today to pay offerings to my late paternal grandparents. Woke up at 5.30am. Wasn't feeling tired at all. I'm used to all the dreaming when I'm supposed to be sleeping. Makes no difference now if I ever go to bed or not. Oh well. Nevermind. After we were done there, my parents brought me to one of Ang Mo Kio's chinese physician's clinic to do something to my right ankle, cause it still hurts pretty much when I run or something. And that guy has a great lot of strength man! I was screaming in pain when he twisted my poor foot this way and that. Now it's bandaged like pig's trotters. Hah. Very uncomfortable and tight! ):
9:37:00 PM
The more people try to pacify me, comfort me, the more guilty and sad and everything I'd feel. Do I ever deserve all these?
I was so taken aback and surprised when dad actually said he loves me, that I'm his precious, that he's sorry for yelling at me when he's in a bad mood. Oh god. Why do I keep crying?! ARGH!
11:53:00 PM
There are moments in my life that I will always remember. Not because they were important, but because they were with you. (:
10:11:00 PM
MRS TAY IS LIKE SO NICE AND FRIENDLY AND MOTHERLY! I've decided that I quite like her. LOL. SHE SAID I WAS CUTE! Like, HUH?! Since when did teachers ever told students they were cute? Haha. Rachel and Pearlyn told me that time she always told her class that she loves them! I LOVE THIS KIND OF PEOPLE! ^^
Okay. So much for being random.
Today was Mrs Soh's second last day in school. Being nice people, we, 4 HUMILITY 'o7 sort of planned a mini farewell party for her. Chipped in to buy a super delicious 2.5kg chocolate cake with wordings of "4H 'o7 LOVES YOU! :D" for her. Pizzas were nevertheless necessary too! Haha. Well, I almost, nearly cried. Was kinda touched by the words Mrs Soh said and also when she played a song on the piano for us. She said in the beginning she was really unwilling to get too close to us for fear that she'll get too attached to us! But then she still did! Gosh. Super sorrowful mood can! Sheralin, Jin Shi, Cherie, Wenya and form teacher teared. Oh well. MRS SOH, NEVER FORGET 4 HUMILITY 2007! WE LOVE YOU!Wish you all the best in your future endeavours! (:
Leaving IS part and parcel of life...
9:45:00 PM
It's funny -- how hello is always accompanied with goodbye.
It's funny -- how good memories can start to make you cry.It's funny -- how much you'd lose if you forgot about your past.It's funny -- how friends can just leave you when you're down.
It's funny -- how when you need someone, they're never around.It's funny -- how people change and think they're so much better.
It's funny -- how many lies can be packaged in one "love letter".
It's funny -- how people can forgive even though they can't forget.
It's funny -- how one night can contain so much regret.
It's funny -- how ironic life turns out to be.But the funniest part of all... is that none of that seems funny to me.
11:32:00 PM
Just did this test on
Colorgenics.
Well, I thought there was one part that's so
DAMN TRUE and one part that is
SO-NOT-TRUE.
You are striving to make favourable impressions all of the time and you are going out of your way to make the impression that you are something special. You are constantly on the watch to see how your friends and neighbours are reacting to your various ploys. But this is so unnecessary because most of the time you are in control of the situation - and you are, in the nicest sense of the word, a 'manipulator' because you use various strategies very cleverly in order to influence and obtain the necessary recognition.Being impulsive and irritable, your desires and needs are paramount. You do things with insufficient thought - with little regard to the consequences that may follow. As a consequence of this attitude, you may be experiencing stress and conflict.There are times of everyone's life when 'compromise' is the name of the game and this is the time, so you have no alternative but to forgo some pleasures for the time being. You are capable of achieving satisfaction through physical activity.
Your stress and anxiety are a result of an emotional disappointment. It could well be that the emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly and you have come to the end of your tether. On the one hand you would like to free yourself from this relationship altogether, yet on the other hand, you don't want to lose anything nor risk the uncertainty of throwing away something - something that's precious, something that could be the 'Real Thing'. Perhaps for the first time in your life you really don't know which way to go and it is these contradictory emotions that are causing you the untold stress. You are pretending to the world that you don't care but even this air of pretence is causing you much heartache.You are presently worried about your future and you feel that whatever you do will go wrong. At this time you are your own worst enemy. All the disappointment that you have experienced, coupled with the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals, have led to anxiety. You would like recognition and a position of trust but you are concerned that these hopes and dreams may not be realised. You are very argumentative and insistent that you are right - maybe you are - but you are pushing too hard. Take it easy, let go, and smile. Smiling and agreeing with people works wonders - try it and see.
11:17:00 AM
He's down with high fever. Oh man. And I'm so helpless. Can't seem to do anything at all. I feel so much like taking care of him. But how do I? *sigh*
Just let him be okay. Please, recover soon.
10:41:00 PM
3月18号。
大概晚上11点多吧。
一切，都就此结束了……
很惊讶，很突然，很悲伤，很难过，很不舍，很不想。
但是，无论怎么样都于事无补了吧？
在答应他的那一瞬间，我的生命仿佛就从此只剩下黑暗。
从前的缤纷色彩好像就“唰”的一声，不见踪影，也没有留下任何曾经存在过的痕迹……
一直在想，自己是否太冲动了，为什么那么轻易的说要放弃这段非常珍惜的感情？！
这个决定，错了吗？
不是没有想过我们总有一天是会有个了结的，只是，心真的很痛！讨人厌的泪水，就从收到那则简讯起，毫无预警，不受控制，自然而然的直直落下。
记得我告诉过自己，‘千万不可以为男生掉一滴眼泪’，可是……因为是他，因为是我最爱最珍惜最不想失去的他，我哭了。
第一次，为他，为了一个男生如此。
或许付出太多感情，爱得越深，所以伤得越痛。
其实早已察觉到了他有心事。可怎么问，他仍然难以启齿，从来都不坦诚相对。
他说，想做回自己。自从认识我以后，他变了很多。他不想再这样下去，毕竟对我对他，再这般持续的拖拖拉拉，也不是办法。
他的改变都是因为我的出现吧？为了讨好我，为了取悦我，为了迁就我，为了包容我……让他委屈了。
也许我的存在反而造成了他的困扰，变成了他的负担，造就了他的烦恼，为他增添了不少没有必要的麻烦。
我不是个称职的好女友吧。凡事都只想到自己，没有多加注意和关心他。
对他的要求与期望，太多太大了吗？
10:56:00 PM
我很不想让你找到离开的理由
-
不想装作脆弱
也不想爱得懦弱
其实我非常爱你不想失去你
难道我没有权利说我不愿意
-
可不可以任性
求求你不要去
藏在我心里 最后一句
其实还爱你
~
天空不断下着无声的雪
而我只有思念勉强能温暖黑夜
拥抱离我已经千山万水
-
我还爱着一个人 但愿
回到美好的从前
也许痛的感觉证明了爱的深浅
不然为什么我还不撤退
-
记得爱 所有幸福的片段
所以才一直忘记要离开...
3:26:00 AM
My brain's not functioning well these few days. Always seem to be zoning out, dazing away or just plain shutting down. Life's like a daily routine each day- going to school, continuing with lessons, laughing at unfunny stuff, laming people with my cold humour, bull-dozing through assignments yet never getting to understand any theory nor concept, crapping about nonsensical and useless things, stoning in front of the TV, staring blankly into the darkness at night, hugging the pillow as if the moment I let go, it spells death for me. Somebody just give me the strength to move on, please.
And you don't know how hard I'm trying not to miss you.
9:50:00 PM
Almost late for school today. First thought that crossed my mind was to return back home and sleep the whole day away. Didn't do that. Cause I promised myself I will never skip school unnecessarily anymore. Besides, letting myself be alone would only cause me to end up wallowing in self-pity. And that sucks big time. Chapel was kinda funny today, had people from Youth for Christ performing for us. The Long Kang Brothers! Haha. The "what is freedom?!" song.
I miss playing Quadra Pop.
9:16:00 PM
Thanks.LEESHAN, my beloved rainbow big sister. <3
Kimchi.
Zabor.
Jianfan.
Pearlyn.
I really really appreciate everything. All the care and concern, all the encouragements. I'm very touched. Thanks. Thanks for being there for me.
-
200307
Joked, lamed, laughed. I realised I have great potential to become a future actress. Even Pearlyn said I didn't look unusually sad or something. Ha. Good job man. I don't even know the girl in the mirror I see reflecting back at me.
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
Everyone's telling me to be strong, to get over with it, blah blah blah. I KNOW, I UNDERSTAND. I will if I can.
I'm tired. Both mentally, physically and emotionally. Didn't get a wink of sleep ever since that day. Trying not to lose my cool in front of everyone I know. Surpressing my feelings to avoid breaking down.
Busied myself with schoolwork, focusing hard during lessons, distracted my mind by watching funny videos. Cause whenever I'm not doing something, I'll start thinking, wondering...
I NEED SLEEP. I NEED TO LET GO. I NEED TO FIND BACK MY HAPPY-GO-LUCKY SELF.
Yet I am vulnerable.
When I stepped out onto the road deep in thought, a car flew past me, almost brushing against my uniform. At that instant, I couldn't help imagining. What if I had taken a step forward when it drove past?
FUCK. What a stupid thought. Why am I so silly to even think of death? No way will I let people who loves me go through such a pain. Ever. I SWEAR. Cause I know: nothing's gonna hurt more than losing your beloved.
Alright- Someday, one day. I will be.
-
Studied with Pongpong, Pearlyn, Joseph. Pongpong can't stand me acting cute. Haha. And I 'zi-high'ed the whole day in class and during studying. Like whatever. What a fake pretence.
Conclusion of the day:
I think I must be insane. (:
9:09:00 PM
Somebody please stop my tears from flowing non-stop.
10:15:00 PM
180307On the train back home I got a flashback of a dream I had one month ago. The scenario was exactly like how it was at that point in time. Remembered vaguely that the end of that dream wasn't a good one.
-
Super worried that something could have happened to him when he didn't reply my messages last night. So I thought to myself: 'Please just let him be okay. I'd give anything to make sure he's alright. Even if it means giving up this relationship.'
-
Heaved a heavy sigh of relief when I got a reply from him. Guess what. My words came true.
10:46:00 AM
SENTOSA with MONKEY today!(:Was supposed to meet at Harbour Front Mrt at 10am, but both of us were late thus it became 10am at Dhoby Ghaut. AND I'M WAS EARLIER THAN HIM! Surprisingly!
Walked Vivo's PAGEONE for awhile then off to get breakfast for me and lunch for him at Macdonalds. After that, some sotong forgot his way about where to get the admission ticket of some sort to Sentosa and we were got lost. =\
Finally got the card thing for three bucks and sadly, it isn't PURPLE! ):
SENTOSA IS HOT. Now I'm red like a cooked lobster and looking like some drunk person. Bleah. The sea, sun, falling coconut tree, biking, yakking, walking around cluelessly, and the two of us pretty much sum up what we did for the day. Haha.
And all because of yours truly's stupidity and clumsiness, banging my right leg at the heel part, now it's kinda swollen and painful. AHA! Serves me right.
Oh well. I forgot to mention something. WE TOOK THE PURPLE TRAM AT THE PURPLE STATION AT SENTOSA AND THEN WENT ABOARD THE PURPLE LINE AT THE MRT! Okay. I'm dumb. I admit.
Well-spent day with the special someone, forever kept in memory. Despite how thristy, sweaty, sticky, warm and whatsoever I was, nothing matters more than you.
10:46:00 PM
I LAUGHED NON-STOP ABOUT NOTHING FOR ONE HOUR YESTERDAY AND ONE BIG TREE JUST SAT BESIDE ME WATCHING ME GO CRAZY. HAHA! xD
Okay. Enough about that. Today! There's boring literature remedial at 8am. Damn early can. ): I'm feeling deprived of sleep! ARGH! Did nothing during the entire duration of the lesson except talk, write and laugh. Lol. By the time the dreadful remedial ended, I was really hungry. So guess what? MACDONALDS, HERE I COME! Haha. After drowning yummy sausage mcmuffin, harshbrown and hot tea into my tummy, hastened myself to bathe, change and TA-DA! Out of the house I went, off to meet RAINBOW BIG SISTER at Yishun MRT. Reached Somerset, and blame it on my own greediness and disability to resist food, I ATE WONTON NOODLES at the Graffiti place in Heeren. After finishing off our food, the two of us rushed to Cineleisure hoping we weren't too late to catch the Cyborg movie. Alas, we gave it a miss cause it's NC16 and we missed the beginning of the film. Sauntered off to Takashimaya to search for JAPANESE INSTANT NOODLES! Okay, I know we are that lame. But who cares. WE ARE THE RAINBOW BIG AND LITTLE SISTERS! For life! x)
We took a long hard time to decide which brand and which flavours we wanted, like some mountain tortises. HAHA. Hope the noodles would taste nice! I shall have it for breakfast tomorrow. (:
Then we the sisters made our way to Kinokuniya for some book reading. See, we are hardworking good girls! Haha. Who am I trying to kid? =X
Anyway. THERE'S THIS REALLY DAMN IRRITATING, DIGUSTING, STUPID, ANNOYING, WEIRD UNCLE THERE WHO TOTALLY FREAKED US OUT. Ewww~
Just our luck to have encountered such a... 'GUAI BEI BEI'. Couldn't think of how else to describe him. =.='''
As usual, both of us thought of funny and lame ways, ideas and stuff that might happen and what to do when they happen. I REALLY LOVE THINKING OUT OF THE BOX, I realised. Haha. It's always a fruitful and fun day out with my fellow WEIRD-ie! ^^
9:20:00 PM
This sudden realisation hit me hard. Or rather, I've been telling myself not to be so paranoid and what not all the time, for things may not be as bad as what I've imagined. But the truth dawned on me right at that moment- Really, nothing lasts. The fear of losing that one thing so goddamn precious and important is enough to make me lose my sanity. Yes, I truly understand that for whatever thing you go through, it's the process that matters, not the outcome. But fuck that, cause many a times, people do certain stuff with their desired outcome in mind, alright? Oh well.
One little note-to-self: Sometimes some truth aint the whole truth. Or maybe it's not even part of the truth at all. So it's probably better to not take the words as it is. I really hate the feeling of being kept in the dark and being lied to, like some dumb pathetic little kid. Perhaps you din't want to hurt my feelings or there's some other reason behind what you did, but that's seriously not an excuse.
Say what you mean, mean what you say. Second note-to-self: Sometimes absence doesn't make the heart fonder. Heard of the saying "Out of sight, out of mind?" Hah.
Tough choice, hard decision.
12:34:00 AM
It feels like damn shit when you get the sore feeling that you're not a single bit appreciated. Hey, so why stay around and get on people's nerves and make things worse? Perhaps it's time to move on, don't you think? Let yourself off- this way maybe everybody would feel much better...
Pointless, meaningless, endless problems- Tell me, how much greater can life get?
4:06:00 PM
懂得让我微笑的人 再没有谁比你有天份轻易闯进我的心门 明天的美梦你完成
整个宇宙 浩瀚无边的尽头每颗渺小星球 全都绕着你走
爱我 非你莫属我只愿 守护 由你给我的幸福爱我 非你莫属也许会 笑着哭 但那人是你所以 不怕苦
懂得让我流泪的人 给的感动一定是最深在我心中留下伤痕 你同时点亮了星辰
看 那么多相遇偏偏只和你 天造地设般产生奇迹哦 我心的缝隙我想除了你 任谁也无法填补这空虚
Trust that you're the only one for me. Sorry for all that I've caused, really. Nothing can erase the hurt, but just know that what I feel for you has never changed right from the beginning, and never will. From the bottom of my heart, I love you.
11:59:00 PM
Laoba: How deep did I hurt you just now?
Nuer: Deeper than a bottomless pit.
Laoba: Wah, nice one!
Nuer: Of course! I'm a core lit student, don't play play!
LOL! xD
1:14:00 AM
不要让别人告诉你，你不能做什么。你有什么梦想，就要保护它。人们自己做不到一些事情，就会告诉你，你不行。你要什么，就尽力去得到！(:
I can't choose when and how I die. But I can choose how I live now.
12:52:00 AM
The passion of writing came back! The gush of contentment and satisfaction after penning down my flow of thoughts and burst of inspirations and river of ideas simply rock BIG TIME! Haha. I'm so glad I haven't lost my touch at writing! I love it when I see pages and pages of words scribbled on blank pieces of paper previously so empty and meaningless to filled with emotions and feelings and everything else you can name after writing! Gosh. I suddenly feel like becoming an author. June is OH-SO-HIGH right now! (:
12:28:00 AM
'JUNE Seventeen year old gemini with random hyperactivity. Loves ambiguity, oxymorons, quotes and the beauty of words. Laming is her forte. Has absolutely no concept about time. Fetish for sexy ears and rabbit teeth. Wants to go on a globe trotting adventure. Can never resist food, especially potato, tofu and eggs. A sucker for rainy days.
Clam Shell Phone